Parting is such sweet sorrow…

Nothing bad happened. I’m just being a little dramatic at the moment. When I fall in love, I tend to fall hard. And when the one I love pulls away, it makes me a little cooky. For this, it definitely feels like a game. He knows how desperate (too strong a word for what I truly feel) I am right now. Honestly, I don’t understand why I feel so needy around him in this season. He doesn’t call enough. Blah blah blah. And I’m falling for the trap. Because that is what it is. So I call. And i linger. And I do all of the wrong things – because those things only repel people.

Whoever is reading this, if you do not know this, please learn it today: IF YOU ACT DESPERATE, YOU WILL DRIVE AWAY THE VERY THING YOU DESIRE. And what’s funny is that I am on both sides of that very equation. I am behaving desperately for my ex. And one of my old best friends is behaving desperately for me. In fact, every time he calls me, I cringe because I just need space. He has become so obsessive in reaching out to me that today I finally answered his text and agreed to meet for dinner. I am so not in the mood to meet, and normally I would just continue ignoring him. But, I am afraid that he might try to surprise me at my house and that would really piss me off. So, I am going to appease him and meet for a meal. Who knows? It could be a pleasant time. We are going to a cute little cafe. But, I am just so over the way our relationship has transformed over the years. He studied psychology, so it’s like he is always trying to analyze me – and i HATE that. So, I’ve closed myself off to him. In fact, after I finish writing here, I am going to negotiate how much of my life I am going to share with him when we talk tonight. I’m just going to let him talk, and then go on with my life. Hopefully it is that easy. Because he has become an annoyance. I feel bad for saying that, but it’s how I feel. In fact, he works at the university where I am going to begin teaching at in a few days, and I pray that I never run into him. Reluctantly, I shared with a somewhat-mutual friend about the position. She has a big mouth too, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he already knows. Lord knows that I am not going o tell him. And hopefully she keeps her mouth shut. You know, I am a very private person. And I don’t go around telling other people’s business. I am very careful about what I share about other people’s lives. I guess that is because I care so much about my own privacy. Another professor in my department went to my high school and may also be in touch with this guy. So, probably one way or another he will find out. I just don’t want him anywhere near me because I am officially annoyed by him. I know. I know. Why on earth would I agree to go with someone who repulses me this much. It’s really because I think it is a way to appease his appetite for me. I know that sounds so crazy arrogant, but it’s true. Whatever the case, I am going to have a lovely evening. I am going to get dressed really cute and maybe a little sexy. And I am going have a fabulous time. And then I am going to on on with my life. I’m sure you’ll hear all about it.

On another note, between yesterday and today, I did a wonderful job of preparing my clothes for the week. I ironed everything that can be ironed, lol. I still don’t feel like I have the combination of clothes that I’d like to have. But, it’s a reasonable start. I would like to shop a little more for sure. More shoes. Some sweaters. Oh, and definitely a workout at the gym. I’m not sure that iv’e been to the gym at all since th start of the year. Yikes. But, I have not given up. I just haven’t made space in my mind to reintroduce the act to my life. Fortunately, my body has lots of energy. So, once I return, it will probably feel amazing again. And probably the perfect jump start that I need. Well, maybe I’ve been twice to the gym. Yeah. I did go to yoga. That was super cool.

Okay. I am going to get myself together for this night. I’ll write again soon.

Cafe Writing Chick

Craving Potato Salad

Of all the things to crave, I would love to eat a nice heaping of potato salad tonight. At this hour, I have no idea of where I could find such a thing. And there is nothing really good to eat here at the house. My family is over. Well, my sister is staying the night with her boyfriend at his place. And the rest of my family is visiting over here. Even my brother, who rarely comes over, is laying on the livingroom floor, all wrapped in a blanket and blowing his nose with the tissues in a box just beside him. My mom asked me to turn on a Netflix movie, so I think they aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. I don’t mind so much. I’m just hungry, and I’m supposed to be dieting and there is nothing that I desire to eat in this house. Part of me wants to grab a bite at a fast-food restaurant. But, there is really nothing there for me either. I waited too long to go to a regular place to eat. Had I planned better, I might have bought some chicken fried rice or even some delicious pho. Yum. Now, that sounds so perfect for a cold night like tonight. Yeah, they re going to be here until midnight, I bet. And I have a feeling that my brother is going to try to spend the night. With all of his germs. Ugh. *eyeroll* It’s probably better for him to stay here than to contaminate my father on the ride back to their home. And since he lives in the back building (which probably isn’t properly heated), he should probably sleep in a proper space tonight. I’m just surprised that he didn’t go off with his girlfriend and daughter. He really should have gone home with them. Ugh.

Anyway, yeah. I might just go to bed. I did some reading tonight. And i am making progress. Maybe I actually will finish the book before the school year starts. However, I think he priority should be getting my calendar and syllabus done once and for all. I think I am going to keep it all super simple, though. Just watch. No overcomplicating life on my end this time around.

Last thing…So, I’m not sure if I shared, but I’ve been fixated on Nina Simone for a little while now. Every so often in life, I find myself craving “real music”, the opposite of they mass produced, overmanufastured stuff that often fills the airwaves. I needed to hear something with some soul. Something with depth. And I searched my mind and heart for the perfect artist to serenade my aching soul. And then I remembered Nina. So, I’ve been playing her for a few days now. And it has been wonderful. In fact, I’ve also been watching interviews of her online, and that has been quite satisfying too. Today, though, I was reminded of her humanness. And let me say, I don’t always like to use being human as some sort of short coming. But, when I say that i was reminded of her humanness, what I mean is that he was more than a brilliant, passionate artist. That was just one dimension of her. Just like any other person, there are many layers to who we are. WE are far more than how others perceive us. So, when I read about some of her abusive behaviors (that may or may not be linked to an alleged bipolar disorder diagnosis), I was brought back to earth again. I then saw her not as the supreme goddess (that I made her out to be in my imagination), but instead of a woman, like me, who was probably in a lot of pain.

So, Yeah. I am thankful for that reminder. I know better than to put people on pedestals. It’s not fair to them. I think that is one reason Nina struggled to find true love in her later years. But, I might be making assumptions that just aren’t true.

Whatever the case with her, I am thankful for her artistry. She inspires me and she touches my soul. There are very few artists who touch me the way she has.

Good night.

Cafe Writing Chick

What's Hiding in my Panty Drawer?

So, I was supposed to be refraining from sugar and flour this month, and idea I proposed to my sister a while back. And I could not have chosen a worse time. Surely, I thought, she would want to pick another start date seeing that we did not have the proper groceries in the house to begin the next day. Then, at the latest hour, the night before our start time, my sister ventured to the grocery store and bought enough food for us to begin this journey. Sad to say, I was not committed from the start because I hadn’t properly prepared my mind for the journey. So, I never started. In fact, I’ve had more flour and sugar this week than probably any other week in 2019. I’m good at changing my diet once my mind is set. I’ve gone long periods of time with no flour and sugar. And although it was a tough adjustment to start, I was able to get through it just fine and began to love it and enjoy the journey of it all. But, since I’ve been so hormonal and unable to focus on much for a long period of time, I decided to just wait. But not tell my sister, because she really needs to start just as much as I do. She is doing great on the journey. I haven’t told her I haven’t started because I don’t want her to feel discouraged.

So, hiding in my panty drawer are 3 beautifully wrapped gourmet chocolate candies. I just had one. I thought it would be much funner to put them in my panty drawer than to simply place them in another nondescript hiding place. Having them there makes eating them seem all that more naughty and delightful. 🙂

My day was lovely. Not at all what I planned, but beautiful none-the-less. I got very little accomplished. In fact, I don’t think that I got anything accomplished. Well, maybe that is not fair to say. I did shower and get dressed. And I wore a seductive outfit that I bought recently. It looks great on me. Then I spent some time with one of my lovers. And that was fun enough. And then I went to visit someone else, and that was a good enough time. Now, I am back home and trying to take in the day. I am glad that I took time to comb my hair in a pretty style. I also put on some make up. I find it fascinating to see how much I’ve come to depend on the stuff. It makes such a difference in the way that I show up in the world. I look so much prettier. I like that.

I did not work out, but that is something that is important to me that I start soon. Next week in fact.

I also want to resolve (as I have probably said before) the feeling of dread that sometimes comes when I am going to start a new semester. I know it can be lovely. I know it can be magical. I just have to allow it to be. And make it to be.

Hmmm. I wonder where the seeds are that my sister gave me a while back. Maybe it is time for me to start planting them. Hmmm. Let me see if I can find them. Just a sec….

Found them exactly where I thought they were.

I may put them in the ground tomorrow. For now, I am going to drink coffee and write down some play ideas at my dining table. Ciao for now 🙂

Cafe Writing Chick

Finding the Energy & Establishing Order

I think I can be a little overdramatic at times, and when I am being creative in writing or directing, that’s awesome! But, in my day to day life, it can be a bit draining. That is one reason I have this blog. It gives me a space to express and process my feelings and emotions that are often intense and overwhelming. Today, I found myself sitting and lying down because I just couldn’t muster up the energy to organize my mind and get something accomplished. I have work that needs to be done. I have a syllabus to write. I have clothes to iron. I have a car to wash and detail. I have a calendar to plan. I have a bathroom to clean. And I also have some creative pieces to compose (because I just HAVE to produce a play or a major writing project this season). So, here I sit at my computer in an effort to pull myself together for the day. To give myself the attention I need to have a beautiful and productive day. And also make time to stop thinking about this man who has me in a whole different box in his mind. In short, I need to stop obsessing over things that are not adding value to my life. It seems that that would be a simple feat. On most days for most people, perhaps it is.

It’s 9:37 and I haven’t dressed or showered yet. But, I am going to do that just as soon as I get done typing this entry. (Already my mind feels better. Although I do feel like crying. Darn hormones!) Lately, I’ve been consciously trying to direct my intense emotions to something worthwhile, like my writing and lovemaking. 🙂 Yup. Oh, and even my garden. I am also dancing a little bit. That is something I want to do more of. But, for now I am dancing for myself in my bedroom when the spirit hits. Sometimes naked. I actually enjoy dancing naked and looking at my body. The rolls and jiggling flesh from too many cookies perhaps and too little pilates. But, I love my body none-the-less. I have come to accept it more intimately in recent years. After I had my son and stopped exercising, it morphed into something altogether new that I had no idea of how to relate to for so long. And then little by little I began to appreciate its magnificence. Yeah, I have a beautiful body in every way. From the color of my skin. To its texture (is that even the right word?). Topography? Lol. I’m definitely in conflict with my hair right now, but that will work itself out and I’m okay with that for now. I’ve even come to appreciate my booty, lol. I used to think it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t round enough. Plump enough. But, now I think it’s absolutely perfect.

I’m learning now that you have to love what you have and work with it. And celebrate it.

Yesterday, I had lunch with a coworker. It was a nice time. He’s such a good man. I’m so glad that our paths crossed. He is a writer and director and got his MFA in playwriting. We talked about plays, teaching, and pedagogy. He shared a little about his life and a special teacher in his life when he was in college. It was so interesting. He has (without saying it directly) made himself available to mentor me. So, in the spring, I am going to be a part of a wonderful festival for playwrights. I am going to the production meeting with the directors, costume designers, lights people, etc. So, I finally get to see how the behind the scenes of how it all goes. I am also going to the auditions, something I’ve never really done in this magnitude. I know I am going to learn a great deal from this experience.

I am SO excited for that! Like really, intensely excited. That is kind of like my tribe. Theatre folk.

I am feeling expansive upon entering this semester. I am feeling empowered and more confident in my ability to teach. (It only took 20 years!) I desire to live each day beautifully and to be present for it all.

That’s all for now, my friends.

Cafe Writing Chick

Shower Before Bed

I’m definitely going to shower before bed tonight. As gross as it may sound, I don’t normally do that. Normally, I go to bed when I am sleepy, and that is that. But, tonight, I feel like I need to wash the day off of my body. It was a great day. So, please don’t think that I am trying to wash away something bad. But, I think I need to feel fresh before getting into my bed tonight.

I am still adjusting to being out of a real relationship with a certain man. I was thinking today about love and what it really means. I think I’ve been hurting so much because I think that he should belong to me and relate to me the way that I want him to. But, that is not a fair outlook. He is his own person. And if I love him, then I should want him to be happy. And right now that means not being around me. Ouch. Right? I know that he loves me. He is just in this weird space. He would do anything for me. If I asked him to buy me a bedroom set or to pay my car note, he probably would. But, I wouldn’t ask him that. Not because I’m not deserving. But, because it would feel wrong inside of me. Like I was taking advantage of him. I asked him for money for my nails and hair the other weekend just because I was lonely and wanted to see what he would do. And he sent it to me without any hesitation. We had a conversation about that later, and I learned that that is his best way of showing love to me while he is in this phase of his journey. I’d prefer to spend quality time with him. Watching the news together or our favorite tv show. Or just laying in bed in each other’s arms. But, that is just not where we are. And we may never be in that constant state ever again.

The good news is that I am not really interested in getting to know any other men. So, I just need to work on me. Being enough within myself. You know?

Okay, I am getting sleepy. But, before I go, I just want you to know that today was a productive day. I was still too uptight. I’ve got to loosen up. I will. Just you watch.

Good night for now.

Cafe Writing Chick

Shopping Fun

I went shopping today and got a few new items for work. I am happy with my purchases. It is time to revamp my wardrobe. Out with the old and dull and in with the new and vibrant. I think I am doing a better job of picking out clothes for my body. I really want to make a statement with my fashion. It’s one thing I can control as I grow and live.

In terms of my emotions, I am feeling a lot more grounded today still. I really enjoyed my time with my lover yesterday. We are perfectly compatible with one another, and it’s just a beautiful time when we are together. We enjoy one another, and that is so beautiful to me.

I have also taken time to drink tea today. And my hair looks beautiful. I feel pretty again.

I also made time to meet up with a few friends from work. I have a coffee date with one friend tomorrow evening. And then an afternoon date with another Friday. He wants to go to a buffet, and I’m cool with that. It makes things much easier. I think I’m supposed to pay because I invited him. I’m cool with that. I need to apologize for being so scatter-brained last semester. I was just on overload and needed some time and space to pull it together. My coffee date is with a friend from college who I am working with now and who will also be teaching at the university in the spring with me. I thought that we could talk about the semester since we’ll be teaching similar content. Plus, it would be nice to spend some time with her since we were such good friends in college. Well, we were cool with each other.

My desire for this semester is to approach it with a coolness and calmness that is therapeutic for me. Maybe I can even have everyone to submit a portfolio at the end of the semester. That way, we can simply enjoy one another all semester long. That is what I want most: to have a beautiful experience together. Intense, but not grueling. I am most concerned with the research component. I haven’t done research in forever, and I don’t think I was very good at it then. I think I was really overwhelmed in college and missed some things. But, I am in a better place in terms of studies. I better understand how to study and how the mind works and what the growing/learning process looks like. It is not always linear, as academia often makes it seem.

I definitely need some movement in my life. Sensual movement is everything to me. I used to take pole dancing classes and had mixed feelings about the experience. I’ll just say this much: If I were in that business, I would modify the approach in a significant way. They are focusing on the wrong thing. And part of me kind of wants to go into that business just for the change that would make me want to go again and again. They are targeting the wrong audience. And I’ll just leave it at that for now.

I still feel a little stress in my body. But, I think that once I get back into my workouts all of that will fall by the wayside. I am excited for that prospect.

I think I need to ask human resources to audit my paychecks because I don’t think my job has been paying me the right amount. I think I’ve been underpaid for quite a while now. I’m not sure whose fault it is, but yeah, I’ve noticed. And if we didn’t have a new interface, I might not have caught the error. Crazy, huh? So, yeah, I may contact them tomorrow because it appears that I haven’t been getting paid for my Friday classes. That would be around 12 hours or more! That would be a nice check if that is the case. I already noticed that they did not pay me a grant that I was supposed to receive last semester. They are int he works for fixing that error and paying me now. If I hadn’t checked, I would be out a thousand dollars. Smh. That’s all I have to say about that.

If my lover invites me to his house tonight, you best believe that I am going. He is like chlorophyll to me. LOL. He makes me feel so alive. And I know it probably isn’t healthy to feel that way about another person. But, he definitely gave me the lift I needed yesterday, in more ways that one *wink*.

I still want and need more clothes for work. Once I get everything ironed, it will be much easier to tell what is what and move forward from there. Part of the money I will get from he grant will go toward the clothes that I bought today. At this point, I just need some beautiful tops.

Okay, so now I am having the strangest craving: Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies. I could not tell you the last time I had one of those. Perhaps more than 10 years. What a weirdly specific craving.

I do feel a little hungry, though.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. I think I am going to figure out what to eat. My mother is cooking, and she takes FOREVER to prepare food. I’m not sure why. I cook really fast. It’s not something that takes forever for me to do. I am efficient with time and space when it comes to preparing food. I am craving my lover more than food. I wish he could go into work late tomorrow so we could stay together and enjoy one another.

See, that is what this blog is for. It is to give me a space to write and not makes sense if I don’t want to. It’s a space to express my thoughts in an unedited setting with absolutely nothing to lose because no one knows who I am. And even if they did, none of this would be of surprise, except that I write in stream of consciousness and don’t make perfect sense all of the time. But then again, that probably would not be a surprise either.

Okay, that is all I have for now folks. Enjoy your day!

Cafe Writing Chick

Feeling Better Already

So, this could be the morning that I begin eating better, consciously. And deliberately. It is Wednesday already, and yeah, I am ready to get started. I have been craving curly kale. Or just kale in general. I’d like to massage it with olive oil and add other things to it like red bell pepper, olives, and gorgonzola cheese and perhaps even slivers of red onion and chicken breast. Yeah. That is definitely calling to me. Ohh, and some pecan. And maybe even a little strawberry. And I could make a salad dressing with evoo and acv. And maybe a squeeze of lemon and a little honey. Yeah. I could also go for some apple slices and peanut butter. Yeah, my body is beginning to crave all of that. I just wish that I still had my mason jars that I saved from the spaghetti. I love to drink water with lemon in those. And now that I am growing mint again, it’s going be on!

I just got home. I spent the evening with my lover, and it was a wonderful time. We are so compatible with each other. I love how I feel when I am with him. It’s always a dream. He leaves early in the morning for work, so I came on home. And now I am here. I have to call my son to make sure he wakes up for school in time. He has been away from school for several days because of his procedure. And now he is going back. I hope it is a pleasant day for him. I am thankful for his father. Although I think he can be too hard sometimes, he helps to balance my approach to parenting because I can be too soft and too helpful at times. As a parent, it is important to step back and allow the child to grow and be independent. I think if I had another child, I would get that part right the second time around. I’d like to think that at least.

I definitely feel less emotional this morning. In fact, I sat down to write last night and immediately noticed a difference too. I’m not sure what to owe that to exactly. Perhaps it is all of the physical work I did yesterday. Because I did a lot only list. I notice that I didn’t do everything perfectly; but I did it well enough. For instance, I finished the backyard for now. I watered plants. Put away the water hose. Swept. And then I swept the patio and shook out the table cloth and sheet covering the dryer. I put water in the fountain and plugged it in. And I repotted my succulents and placed them in a bigger pot with fresh soil. I also took out the trash and brought them back inside. I also tidied the kitchen. Not perfectly. But, I got most of the dirty dishes in the dish washer and turned it on. I also organized a few things that were out on counters. I did my hair – washing and coloring and drying and flat ironing it. And I did a few loads of laundry. So, yeah. I got stuff done. And it took a little effort, but I am glad I did it.

I also confronted a payment issue with my job. And that is getting resolved.

On my way home, I listened to Nina Simone this morning. It’s amazing how much my eyes have opened up, just over the last few weeks, pertaining to the history of this country. I understand things in a whole new way. And I understand certain people in a whole new way. You know, its’ easy to dismiss people and to say that they are over reacting. Even within my own culture, I didn’t recognize or understand why things are so troubled in certain aspects. Maybe it’s not fair to say I didn’t understand. I think I just numbed myself to certain facts and have been living in denial for years now. Afraid to feel the pain. Afraid to face the truth. But listening to her warmed my heart so much. I kind of wish that i had known her and appreciated her while she was here. But, she lived a beautiful, passion-filled life. So, what more can one ask. I’m glad that she left her legacy. And I am glad that I am in a space in my life where I can appreciate her work and her message and her courage as much as I do today.

I am feeling much better. I will keep you posted on how I progress with food today. I also need to get my behind back into the gym. I am going to do that. If not today, then probably tomorrow.

More to come.

Cafe Writing Chick