Nothing bad happened. I’m just being a little dramatic at the moment. When I fall in love, I tend to fall hard. And when the one I love pulls away, it makes me a little cooky. For this, it definitely feels like a game. He knows how desperate (too strong a word for what I truly feel) I am right now. Honestly, I don’t understand why I feel so needy around him in this season. He doesn’t call enough. Blah blah blah. And I’m falling for the trap. Because that is what it is. So I call. And i linger. And I do all of the wrong things – because those things only repel people.
Whoever is reading this, if you do not know this, please learn it today: IF YOU ACT DESPERATE, YOU WILL DRIVE AWAY THE VERY THING YOU DESIRE. And what’s funny is that I am on both sides of that very equation. I am behaving desperately for my ex. And one of my old best friends is behaving desperately for me. In fact, every time he calls me, I cringe because I just need space. He has become so obsessive in reaching out to me that today I finally answered his text and agreed to meet for dinner. I am so not in the mood to meet, and normally I would just continue ignoring him. But, I am afraid that he might try to surprise me at my house and that would really piss me off. So, I am going to appease him and meet for a meal. Who knows? It could be a pleasant time. We are going to a cute little cafe. But, I am just so over the way our relationship has transformed over the years. He studied psychology, so it’s like he is always trying to analyze me – and i HATE that. So, I’ve closed myself off to him. In fact, after I finish writing here, I am going to negotiate how much of my life I am going to share with him when we talk tonight. I’m just going to let him talk, and then go on with my life. Hopefully it is that easy. Because he has become an annoyance. I feel bad for saying that, but it’s how I feel. In fact, he works at the university where I am going to begin teaching at in a few days, and I pray that I never run into him. Reluctantly, I shared with a somewhat-mutual friend about the position. She has a big mouth too, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he already knows. Lord knows that I am not going o tell him. And hopefully she keeps her mouth shut. You know, I am a very private person. And I don’t go around telling other people’s business. I am very careful about what I share about other people’s lives. I guess that is because I care so much about my own privacy. Another professor in my department went to my high school and may also be in touch with this guy. So, probably one way or another he will find out. I just don’t want him anywhere near me because I am officially annoyed by him. I know. I know. Why on earth would I agree to go with someone who repulses me this much. It’s really because I think it is a way to appease his appetite for me. I know that sounds so crazy arrogant, but it’s true. Whatever the case, I am going to have a lovely evening. I am going to get dressed really cute and maybe a little sexy. And I am going have a fabulous time. And then I am going to on on with my life. I’m sure you’ll hear all about it.
On another note, between yesterday and today, I did a wonderful job of preparing my clothes for the week. I ironed everything that can be ironed, lol. I still don’t feel like I have the combination of clothes that I’d like to have. But, it’s a reasonable start. I would like to shop a little more for sure. More shoes. Some sweaters. Oh, and definitely a workout at the gym. I’m not sure that iv’e been to the gym at all since th start of the year. Yikes. But, I have not given up. I just haven’t made space in my mind to reintroduce the act to my life. Fortunately, my body has lots of energy. So, once I return, it will probably feel amazing again. And probably the perfect jump start that I need. Well, maybe I’ve been twice to the gym. Yeah. I did go to yoga. That was super cool.
Okay. I am going to get myself together for this night. I’ll write again soon.
Cafe Writing Chick