I got my dream job

I started my new job at the start of the year. January 4th to be exact. A few months before that, I bought my first home. That’s a story within itself. Let me just start with my job.

I am so thankful for it. It checks all of the boxes I asked for and others I didn’t but needed. My desire used to be to write and make money from what I produce. It was also to write and produce plays and help other people in the arts, especially theatre.

Long story short. I now work for a theatre! And I absolutely love-love-love it. It is a perfect job for me at this point in my life. I have a huge, beautiful office that I share with a wonderful man (who is so busy he is rarely there) and a loving staff. My supervisor is a brilliant financial guru who has a beautiful spirit. I feel appreciated in my work from him and others. I absolutely love that I work with other artists who have a deep love for theatre. And I love the work I do.

There have been some challenges along the way. Fortunately, one of my sisters and I live together and we practice a daily debriefing session at the end of each day. We tell each other about our day, and if anything wonky comes up we help each other to see it in a way that keeps our vibrations high. In some ways, I’ve come to love the challenges that arise. I feel more and more empowered to address them with wisdom.

Early on in my job, I was encouraged to reach out to the person who used to do the work I was going to take on. Little did I know that this individual was toxic and unprofessional. Our first conversation last 3 hours, most of which consisted of him complaining about the company and going on profanity-filled rants about his misery working there. He said terrible things about our supervisor, basically saying that he was only about making money and didn’t really care about the outreach work I was assigned to do. In fact, this dude told me he went to one of the board members to vent about our supervisor; and when word got back to our supervisor, dude was forbidden to talk to any board members ever again. And soon after, his hours were cut in half. And he was ostracized from the company. THEN he said, he thinks the way he was treated was illegal and the only reason they are keeping him around is because he could file a lawsuit against them. This was our FIRST conversation! Needless to say, I was deeply disturbed after speaking to him. I was confused; and didn’t know what to believe. I don’t do drama; and so I even contemplated whether or not to stay with them. This was not what I signed up for.

I didn’t quit, though because I remembered ALL that had taken place in order for me to land that job. I KNEW that God, the Universe had orchestrated it for me because aside from that dude, it was EVERYTHING I wanted and needed.

At the time, our company was all working remotely due to a new variant of covid. So, I was isolated from everyone as this craziness was taking place. And I didn’t know who I could talk to or trust to share that with. I didn’t want to cause issues as a new person. So, I stayed quiet.

Our next conversation, I took more of the lead so as not to fall into the same trap again. And a few minutes into our conversation, he apologized for his unprofessionalism the last call and said it would not happen again. But, it did. What was most disturbing was how much rage this man showed me, a complete stranger. Even then, I recognized that he had put himself in that situation. Why on earth did he think it was okay to air dirty laundry to a board member? That was so foolish! But, still I felt sorry for him. And I could see some goodness in him. He just probably needed some good therapy.

After sharing all of his struggles with me, he tried to befriend me and asked me to be his ally. I had mixed feelings about him and the way he was speaking to me. On the one hand, I had sympathy for him because he felt like an outcast in the company. He said that his hours had been cut and he was struggling financially. But, it appeared that he loved the theatre and wanted to stay, even despite all of the abuse he alleged he endured.

The third conversation, I let him know that we couldn’t talk that long again. (The truth is he talked 98% of the time and rarely took a breath for me to speak. He talked at me and assumed I didn’t know anything. I was fine with the second part as it encouraged him to go into great detail about subjects I knew very little of, so I learned a lot when he stayed on topic.) So, the third conversation he tried to keep talking at me, and I told him that I had tuned him out and could not hear anything he was saying. I told him it was information overload, so anything he said I would not register. He kept talking. Then he stopped to ask me a question. I told him again that I didn’t have an answer because I checked out 15 minutes ago. That’s when he got the message. Future conversations were limited to an hour.

Then one day, he had a complete meltdown on a Zoom call with me. And even after all of the boundaries I allowed him to cross, I still felt myself feeling compassion and empathy toward him. He told me that everyone had outcast him and that he only had $13 in the bank and that he felt terrible because now his wife had to work multiple jobs to support him and having only 1 car was a hardship for them. He basically said he didn’t feel like a man anymore. I was on the verge of tears listening to his pain. And then his anger came out. And he said something like, “well soon this isn’t going to be my problem anymore,” referring to his old work that I would be taking on. I wanted to help him. He said he hadn’t been coming to the staff meetings because he didn’t have reasonable transportation and couldn’t afford to Uber, and he didn’t have a covid test which was required. So, I offered him a covid test but then he went on another rant. And that is when I started to notice that he didn’t want to resolve the problems he was bringing up to me. He just wanted to dump them on me. He had no interest in solving them at all. But, still I felt sorry for him. And I felt very confused as to what to do. I was against saying anything to anyone because I didn’t want to be a gossip as the new person. Clearly, this man was DRAMA. But, I didn’t want to be viewed as drama too by association. And SURELY the company didn’t know about his extreme behavior; otherwise, why would they have this dude training me? Why would they encourage me, the newbie to reach out to him?

After that Zoom call, I was not okay. I was emotionally spent, and I felt like I was carrying way too much weight. So, I called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. He told me to tell my supervisor because if something happened and they found out I knew about his behavior and didn’t say anything, that could go bad for me too.

So, I went to my supervisors office and made an appointment to see him 5 or so minutes later. When I met him, I close the door and then I broke into tears. I told him I was worried about my co worker and that he is hurting and he needs help. I told him the man feels like an outcast and he is broken and has only $13 in the bank and a broken car, etc etc. I told him that he needs help, but I couldn’t help him. And to please reach out to him because I can’t help and it’s not my business anyway. My supervisor just listened to me. He didn’t respond to my ridiculous tears. I was wearing a mask and thankfully so because the black mask was trapping all of the crying-induced snot pouring from my nose. I felt mildly embarrassed for my behavior. I hated to lose control of my emotions in front of this person. I didn’t want to be perceive as a crazy person without control of her emotions. I was mad at myself for allowing that to happen. But, my supervisor was kind. And thankfully he isn’t like me who cries at the sight of practically anyone’s tears. After I finished, he told me that he didn’t know the man was having a hard time like that. That he tried to help him in ways that I won’t reveal here. And he shared some other things that I won’t share out of respect for his privacy, just to be safe. By the time we were done, I felt lighter. And I was glad that my coworker was going to get the help he needed.

Fast forward a few days later. One of my co-workers asked how I was doing, and I somehow felt comfortable to share in confidence what had happened. And that’s when I learned that the whole company had serious issues with that dude. That he had done to others what he had done to me; and that people were very uncomfortable around him for MANY reasons. And he listed them. And that’s when I knew I had been duped. And then another coworker shared, and another. And I was happy to know that he didn’t target me with his behavior. That was just how he rolled. And as unprofessional and disturbing as that was, I was glad he didn’t only show himself in that light to me. In a way, I felt vindicated because others could see my truth. I felt more free. But, then I felt frustrated because I had put all of that energy toward saving this man’s job, when his behavior has been toxic to EVERYONE at the company. Ugh.

And there is SO much more to share. Not just about that dude, but also about other experiences I’ve had so far. I really want to keep a record of this. And this may be the place for it.

I’m going to head to bed for now. But, I hope to write again soon.

-Cafe writing chick

Classroom

What to include in a blog post? How to draw other readers? Is this really a thing?

 

Brainstorming job opportunities:

Helping people, but how? How to help people? How to help people? Not in social services. No! But, helping them in a way that easily monetizes quickly. And that reaches more people than just the one-on-0ne sessions that a typical business allows.

I like to organize things – as long as their not my finances (drum rolls). And I enjoy helping what else? I like writing reports of what customers service says kind of thing.

I’m not sure what else I like. Oh, gardening. And Tea. I like gardening and tea. And massages. For me, though! the last one at least. But, I love gardening. And I love tea.

Could I start my own landscaping business? Hmm. That’s an idea. It is an idea. Or I could do something non profit. That is for sure. What else could i do? Whom else could I work with? I like what I like. And i will fight for my life. What i do with it. How I spend it.  The is a

Written October 8, 2018

Night Pages 11/2/19

Hello there. I needed to write because I have been feeling lonely today. Not the whole day. Just lonely moments here and there. Someone I love is bipolar. His behavior changes, but not in a violent way at all toward anyone or even negative way toward me. But, he becomes distant and aloof in life. Even though it is not directed toward anyone, it feels hurtful to me because I miss him and I miss our intimacy and the special moments that we share together. Our laughing and touching and simply being. I miss his company. So, those seasons are challenging for me. I am trying to train myself to distract myself by doing things for myself that I love. Showing myself love even more in those moments. I do miss him, though. But, this blog in this moment is a way of showing self love to myself because it gives me the space to express my emotions.

I also feel distress sometimes when one of my best friends stops reaching out. She has her own stuff too. I get mad at myself because the moment she reaches out to me again, I just jump back into our daily back and forth until she ghosts me again.

I’m not sure why the feelings of loneliness are so strong. I mean, I am used to being by myself a lot. In fact, I prefer it that way a lot of the times. But, when these two friends distance themselves, I start to feel especially alone.

Fortunately, I do have a wonderful family. Both of my parents. My siblings. And a host of extended family. So, really, I am always just a phone call away from some decent company. Perhaps my feelings now are of frustration in trying to control every other aspect of my life. And that is an impossible feat. Like seriously.

In the meanwhile, I’ve been publishing youtube videos to my channel. And I make up stories about my subscribers. Part of me wants to have a large following. The other part loves the anonymity.

morning pages 11/05/19

good morning! i am eating popcorn because i am still hungry after eating 3 tacos, rice, beans, and chocolate candy and a ginger candy. Now I am sitting up here listening to my favorite YouTuber. She is spilling all of the tea! Sharing about how she found out her boyfriend was married and the steps she took to keep him in line, take the bag, and get him to leave his wife. Yes, Chile! She is too much. She give really bad advice, sinister stuff. But, I still enjoy listening to her because she is funny and she tells the truth as she knows it – to women, at least. She understands male psychology to an extent. Makes me want to do my hair because it is looking too tore up!

Night Pages 12/08/19

Tomorrow my car insurance is due. I also have some other bills. Isn’t that so exciting – getting bills. It’s actually pretty fun to pay them too. Did I share that I applied for a few government position?

I am tempted to drive to a nearby restaurant and order a piece of chocolate cake. I really want some chocolatey chocolate cake. Bad. I’m trying to imagine how I would feel after and during eating the cake. And so far, my imagination says I’d feel so very good. I even try to imagine how I would feel 10 or 20 minutes after eating the cake. My imagination still says happy. Still, I am not going to go and buy cake. I am going to drink water instead. I might, however, have some popcorn.

I Wasn't Going to Mention It…

Life speaks to us, even when we are not paying it any attention. Sometimes it whispers to us, and other times it yells at us. I think our job is to do our best to pay attention and listen.

So, today has been an interesting day. I went to work and did my best. Before that, I washed up and made myself as cute as possible with the limited time…No. Let me back up.

As I was sleeping throughout the night, I was very cold most of the night. I slept on top of my comforter and wrapped myself in a too-small blanket that I made years ago. So, like I said, I was uncomfortably cold throughout the night. But, I didn’t think to get under the blanket. So, my body woke up at about 5 something. And that is when I wrapped both sides of the comforter around me. Finally, I was warm. Then, I turned on the Steve Harvey morning show. (How I came to listen to the show again after all of these years is another story. Short version: I heard my lover listening to it on iHeart radio. So, I asked my Alexa to play the Steve Harvey Morning Show, and I’ve been enjoying it ever since. This makes 2 or 3 days. But, this morning is the first time I actually listened to the station in the morning time.) As soon as I asked my Alexa to play the station, commercials were on. So, I turned the volume down to 1 so I didn’t have to listen. After a little while, I turned the volume up, and in that exact moment, Steve started talking to me and reaffirming things that I already knew to be true but had pushed to the wayside. He basically said that it is our job to work as diligently as we can while having the faith to know that God will make our dreams come true. That we have to keep the faith no matter what things look like, and in time our dreams will become a reality. God will bless the work of our hands. My version of what he said is that it is our job to start, and then God will add to it. He will bless it. And prosper it. This is something that i have known in my spirit for many years. I think I just needed to hear it. It was interesting hearing that in the early hours of the morning, because my brain was so ready and receptive. And my energy shifted into a good space.

So, I got myself together and on my way to work I began to think abut my life and how I would like to move forward. I didn’t make any finalized decisions, but I was on a good page in terms of taking steps to live better. I even listened to a YouTuber who teaches me things about womanhood that I really appreciate. So, then I went to my class and worked with my students. Many of them were busy with their essays, so I had a few minutes here and there to study vocabulary. After class, I met with someone and we went to breakfast and did some window shopping. And this is where something interesting happened. But, I’ll get back to that after I share about last night.

So, last night, I went to the movies with my brother and one of my sisters. We went to an upscale part of town and we were the other people of color there.

Written December 12, 2019

Quick Morning Hello

Everything went beautifully at the department meeting yesterday. I did question myself a number of times, but I am learning that is simply a habit I can replace with something better. I enjoyed being with the people in my department. We are a small group, surprisingly, but it was wonderful to meet everyone and to feel at home for once.

In many ways, it felt like an answer to prayer. I’ve wanted to have a job where I feel at home. For so long, I remember comparing it to a job I had as a graduate student in an office I worked in. I loved being under the umbrella of our director. I felt safe. And I felt like I was among family. The meeting yesterday had a similar vibe, except now I am older and probably will need to take on more responsibilities at some point. But for now, it’s good. And I love the campus. I used to hate the campus. But, now I see how beautiful it is. I am going to do my best to relax my body and mind about teaching the course because I have a tendency of stressing myself out for no good reason.

Written Jan 22, 2020

Deciding my next profession is a process, one that requires time and thought. I’ve been working as a teacher for more than 20 years, and I am interested in pursuing something different. But what?

That has been a question I’ve asked for years, and a part of me feels embarrassed that I haven’t picked anything. It’s like I go stiff with fear and frustration every time I even attempt to answer it. The fear is definitely of the unknown and of the possibility that it will be pure hell. I fear working with people I don’t like or who don’t like me. I fear not fitting in. I fear not having the skills to advocate for myself and in turn become someone people think they can walk all over. I fear feeling stuck, with no options of going elsewhere. I fear feeling stuck, imprisoned by my job with no options of doing anything great ever again. I fear they will like me at first and then see who I really am and then hate me. I fear that I will hate it.

What’s funny is that this potential future is not even real, and yet the only story I have come up with about it is 100% negative. What is that all about? Why do I scare myself from even trying?

Fear has kept me in this same place for 20 years. 20 YEARS.

The frustration comes from not knowing what to pick or how to pick it. So, instead of making a decision, I’ve just continued doing what I’ve been doing year after year. This has to stop. I have to move past that breaking point. What I desire feels like a vague fantasy.

Written June 6, 2021

"I Get So Lonely…"

Those are the lyric’s to one of Janet Jackson’s songs that I love. Actually, the whole song captures how I feel a lot of the time these days. I just want to eat cake all day. But, instead, I think I will light a candle and do a little yoga on the floor in my beautiful bedroom. I have tomorrow off, so that means I can use the whole night just lounging and doing what I feel. Maybe a little dancing too. And maybe I’ll even go to the gym tomorrow. I need to get back there. It’s been for-freaking-ever.

Written Jan 28, 2020

Gorgeous Morning

For years, I’ve avoided writing about painful feelings because to me words, especially written words, are powerful and magical and they bring things into existence, as shown in the first book of Genesis. So, in some ways I’ve used writing to create a new and better reality, one that I can feel at peace in. But, I write that way at the expense of not releasing or addressing the feelings that are trapped inside of me and need a way out.

This morning, it was raining a little. But, I needed to get some fresh air and cross of something from my to do list, so I went to a nearby self-service car wash and vacuumed my car and cleaned it out. (I had trash bags of fast food, receipts, and other random items growing into a jungle in my backseat.) So, I cleaned out my car, and it was the kindest thing I could have done for myself. Then I went to Starbucks and bought myself some breakfast – a warm breakfast sandwich and a hot coffee drink. And I listened to Eckhart Tolle, my close friend (only he has no idea who I am.) I also listened to a beautiful little clip from the Dali Lama about dealing with negative emotions. It really helped me to transition out of the depression I’ve been at war with the past two days.

So, now I am here to give my voice a place to speak and myself a place to work through my emotions the best I can.

Oh, I left out that I went in my backyard to finish my coffee drink, and it was so peaceful and serene and beautiful out there. The temperature was cool. There was a gentle breeze. And it was quiet and lovely. It was as perfect as any moment could get. I got to think about some of my thoughts and emotions. I thought about my break-up and how I am still in the grieving process over it. I’ll just share that my ex has a serious mental illness, and his mind torments him all of the time. He goes months and years able to manage it just enough to get through life as normal as possible, but then there are times when it’s too much for him and he goes to the extreme to try to survive in a way that is safe for himself and others. By that I mean, he doesn’t go out and take drugs and he creates distance in his relationships so as not to drag others (his pov) into his “dysfunction.” It’s his way of coping. His way of surviving. The funny thing is, that when he is well we are so amazing together. For years, he has been my best and closest friend. My laughing partner. My best lover. The closest to a soul mate I’ve ever seen. And now, in many ways, it seems like he is just a shell of what once was. And I feel sad about that. The one time I thought I had the very thing that was perfect just for me, it turns into something else. Yes, I feel sorry for me over this. But, I also feel sad for him. Not in a pitying way. But because I know who he is, and I know that if he could he would be well. I know that he enjoys being joyful. I know he enjoys smiling and being well. And I know that he is doing his best. For now, survival mode is his best. And I get it.

Sometimes, I find myself feeling sorry for myself over dumb stuff, lol. Like, I have a few students in my class who appear to be disrespecting me on purpose each class meeting. Notice – I said “appear to be” because there is no way for me to know their intention. I say that because I know it is my frame of what is happening and may not reflect reality at all. I’m coming to learn that lesson in my life. And the Dalai Lama reminded me of it today – that things are not as they appear. They are never as they appear. That idea, that possibility gives me great peace.

So, now I have a desk full of papers that need to be organized and what not. And for a while, they were stressing me out. But, now that I’ve written, I feel a lot better.

Funny story, so I have a lot of grey hairs, and I’ve been dying them dark brown for the longest time. Well, the past month or two, I stopped dying them until yesterday. I put on a semi permanent that essentially colored my grey hairs green. So, now I need to correct that. I think I am going to use henna until I can permanently dye my hair. But, I have to wait two weeks since I just put on a relaxer yesterday. In the meantime, my grey hairs are green. *eyeroll*

Oh, also what is new in my life is that I am directing a play for a play festival at my college. It’s a monologue. But, I have rehearsals a few nights each week, in addition to picking up my son each day to either take him to the library or to his violin class. And this is a busy months of birthdays and anniversaries for my family. So, I’ve been feeling overextended and stressed out. And on top of that, my son is going through a lot with his relationship with his father – and it doesn’t seem to be any better. So, I’ve been trying to manage all of this while coping with feelings of loneliness from my relationship that ended with a man I’ve adored for nearly a decade. Oh, and probably still (on some level) grieving the loss of my friend that was put to rest on Valentines day. So, yeah, I’m still finding a balance here.

I was thinking of taking a walk on the beach. Yesterday, I went to my favorite yoga class, and that was nice. My teacher is such a healing person. I love and appreciate the role she has played for me over the years. She is one of the sweet parts of my life that I can go to when I need help finding balance. There are other sweet parts too. Like working with this actor, I think we are feeding off of each other in a good way. I didn’t realize that I needed that in my life. I needed to direct. I needed to be in the toils and strains and ugliness (good ugliness, mind you) of art. It’s not all pretty. And I think most people, especially spectators, don’t understand that. But, working with him is nourishing to my soul.

(This was written february 22, 2020. I am just publishing it today. Don’t know why it was just sitting there. I never took the time to publish it. )